§ ¶Just one more drink.

Walking somewhere with intentions, one foot in front of the other in this dance of others and the clip clap, the marks of which i have no idea where they came from, but they all seem to have found their perfect place, because they are where they are, and are now my fading memory of the night we first met.

-p2

§ ¶a boat abandoned in some backyard

i figure that we must contend with the misunderstandings and instabilities of the others around us projecting their fears onto us, and interpreting our sadness into their sadness.

our society is atomized, pasturized, and cleansed without all of that soap.

there is a lot of dust in our homes. the sun is nicer in the afternoon than any other time. unless it's gone.

we should open up an all night long store where you can be when it's night, but not feel out of place.

and never alone.

i want to get a subscription to skymall at home.

-p2

§ ¶I keep find myself thinking about it

I wonder if you still hate me.  I mean, I know that's how you deal with breaking up with people, but it's been two years.  And, did you cheat on me with the next boy, or was our end just very close to y'all's beginning?  These are questions I can only assume I'll never know the answer to.  If we go carolling together again this year, I won't ask you.

Oh, that reminds me.  Last year I went carolling with some friends, three girls and a guy or two.  I had made out with all three of the girls.  Awkward?  Maybe a bit.  I think one of them still hated me.

-p5, looking forward to the end of the semester

I always get sentimental when there's a chance of snow.

§ ¶p2's myspace

my myspace

incase someone cares which i doubt.

§ ¶And I was planning on going to bed early tonight...

Oh, Montana, you sons of bitches, don't let me down!

§ ¶Remember the 5th of November

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PANE7VugQA&eurl=

§ ¶In this one our hero eats a live squirrel

Tuesday is midterm elections, and the only thing that feels right is that people seem active. When you have an incumbancy rate of 99%, it doesn't feel like there's anyone actually participating in our process.

And I think the distrubing thing is that although we should be working for our own affairs politically all throughout the year, every year, we really only feel like we have to pull the lever, if that.

It stems from a sense that our system has bred corruption, and perfected the art of minimizing our wants and desires. We are not fighting a normal beast, but a beast that has grown and helped itself to become the best at alienating it's population.

Couple key facts though.

1. It's ultimately not very good at it. Force works. The Public Relations industry works until it doesn't. If people stand up, the whole thing crumbles. (not without a fight)

2. I said that they've minimized our wants, but I meant our vocal wants in a political sense. They've systematically helped to increase our wants. The idea is for us to ignore the process and allow the "best of men" to take care of it. We go play on our entertainment. You tell the people you don't want involved to go watch football. We've got it from here, but make sure you buy as many shiny things you don't need as possible.

We see that men's political dealings with one another are based on wholly wrong ideals,
and can only be saved by quite different ideals from
continuing to be a source of suffering, devastation, and sin.

Political ideals must be based upon ideals for the individual life.
The aim of politics should be to make the lives of individuals as good
as possible. There is nothing for the politician to consider outside
or above the various men, women, and children who compose the world.
The problem of politics is to adjust the relations of human beings in
such a way that each severally may have as much of good in his
existence as possible.

Consider forgetting to forget to vote on Tuesday. And remember to remember to do something to act on Wed.

§ ¶It's a pretty nice feeling, really

You know that really excited feeling you get just after you've met someone and you realize that you're really drawn to them and they seem to be drawn to you?  Or, at least, you hope they are?  That sort of electric energy that doesn't really allow you to focus, and your heart skips occasionally and your lips sometimes tingle in anticipation of what may or may not come to pass; and when you're hanging out for the first time, basically by chance, there are a few moments when you're looking into each other's eyes - one of you is only explaining a point or something - and you almost lean over and kiss her, but then you realize that it's a crowded coffee shop and you're supposed to be studying for this midterm that you have tomorrow, and you hardly know this person... and yet at the same time, there's this part of you that asks, "Why not?" but you resist because you figure there'll either be plenty of better opportunities or it's hopeless anyway and that it'd just be weird and way too up-front and that's not the way to get a girl at all, but she's just so damned cute and she's looking at you with that soft smile and those big, brown eyes gazing at you just a little wistfully, just enough that you think that she really is interested and maybe you won't be alone, maybe you won't (though this has nothing to do with this particular girl, but more giving you hope in general about the whole situation with girls in your life) be a virgin for the rest of your life, and, hey, maybe there is some German homework or something you should be doing right now, but you'd much rather sit at your computer and type what's just happened into a little box, because, let's face it, that's just way more interesting, and you get to relive the experience?  It's been a fair time since I've felt that.

-p5

§ ¶That makes it a hat trick. Rawk.

Typical.  The moment before I ask her out to a movie, she mentions she has a boyfriend.  After all the enthusiasm she showed, which I took to mean that she was interested, she has a boyfriend.  Luckily, he's about a thousand miles away.  Still, that kind of sucked.  It was like, "Oh, there goes my chance of actually finding someone this semester.  Chock up the third one in a row...."  Oh, well.  What are you gonna do?

-p5

§ ¶I think it means my room doesn't smell too bad

I was sitting in my room studying, when suddenly I get a phone call from the girl in my last post, saying, "I'm coming to your room to study."  She sounded a little disgruntled, so I said it was fine, and a couple minutes later she's here.  She told me that she just had to get out of her room, because her roommate and boyfriend were both in there, and she was having a lot of trouble studying; especially because her boyfriend was being particularly needy since now that school's in-gear they only see each other twice a week or so.  Oh, now it gets good: she's told them she's going to another (girl) friend's room, because "if he knew, he'd get pissed."  (I can only assume that's because I am "another boy," and not me, in particular.)  What's more, she's going out to dinner with her boyfriend and her mother, so it'd only take a slip of the tongue; though I don't think that'll happen.  I mean, it's not that I mind being kind of dragged into this, and I'm sure nothing will come of it - and if it does, there'll be no great loss to me, since I don't know (and, must admit, have an indifferent-at-best feeling about) her boyfriend (not simply bread from competition, I promise).

Anyway, I mean, I don't really know what else to say.  I doubt that it means much; just typical relationship strife.  But, I thought it was an amusing story, so I've popped it up.  And, it's kind of intriguing to think it's possible that I'll be brought into the situation.  Like I said, though, on the minute chance of that happening, the chance that it'll change anything is safely small - especially since I didn't really have anything to do with it.

-p5

§ ¶I wanna have a Sigma Delta Tau!

She calls me, and not her boyfriend.  A (cute) friend of mine, with whom I have been hanging out a good bit recently, partially because we're taking a year of German this semester, and so we're studying a good deal, has been "rushing" to get into a sorority here on campus (but, believe me, she's not a Sorority Girl... anyone who knows me knows that I couldn't deal with one of those), and she just found out that she got called back to the sorority that she wants to be in, and she called me, and, I can only presume, not her boyfriend.  Now, granted, we did just have dinner together, so it might be that I'm simply the first person that came to mind.  But, maybe not.  Regardless, we're both almost definitely going to end up studying in Germany next year, so I'm not exactly going to put any pressure; I feel fairly safe, on that front, because of that.

Wow, check out all those clausal sentences.  Especially that second one, what a doosy.  And who says writing like Dickens is passe?

-p5

§ ¶How many referneces can I fit in?

"They grab Ugarte and she walks in.  Well, that's the way it goes.  One in, one out."

One of my good friends from last year, I finally figured out today (through Facebook, at that) transferred out to another college.  I had no idea, and I'll miss her.  Hopefully she'll be happier there.

That said, there are also people who've transferred in, including a girl I have decided I am interested in.  We've hung out a couple times over wine and friends, but that's all so far.  Maybe I'll see if I can make something happen this weekend.  Or, rather, nudge something into happening; I'll force nothing.  After all, as Sunzi said, "Victory can be anticipated, but it cannot be forced."  I can't say I'm optimistic at the moment, but I'm not particularly worried about it.  After all, one can always travel to the land of Nothingwhatever, or go rambling without a destination.
-p5

(The answer is three.)

§ ¶I am not steven colbert

remember to take advantage of the time you have now. soon you'll be 75 and have no oppertunity and be pretty lonly.

so ask that girl out. go jump out of a ballon. watch 8 hours of television.

-p2

§ ¶a reminder to those who have not been hurt

always remember. no matter how pretty she smells, her nails scatch just as sharp.

-p2

§ ¶hiveminder

Hiveminder

§ ¶A relationship is a shoe

Relationships are like new shoes. In the beginning you're so happy about the new shoe you do everything you can to keep it clean and fail to notice that it doesn't fit like your old shoe. Soon you forget about its ill fit as it molds itself to you and you enjoy your new shoe. Somewhere down the line you forget about keeping it clean and simply wear it. By the end of it's lifespan you keep thinking "Man I need to buy me a new pair of shoes"

In the end girls are just like shoes and the key is finding one that's like a jelly, because those things never ever fall apart.

p3

§ ¶it's pretty delicious

Just about every week, I go to this great Japanese restaurant for lunch, and the past two Thursdays I was there I've been waited on by this really cute girl.  Thing is, both times she sort of jumped like she recognized me and said, "Oh, hi!" or something similar.  I don't know her, but she does look familiar.  So, come Thursday, I'm going to repeat this procedure, only I'm going to follow it up.  Third time's the charm.  I mean, I'm curious as to whether I know her, and if I do, where from.  And, no matter what happens, I'm guarenteed a tastey lunch!

-p5

§ ¶I Suck.

Here's some advice to remember...

When everybody but you is telling you something, and you're the only one vehemently disagreeing with them, maybe you should at least consider that they might be right. It's a good feeling when you get to prove the majority wrong, but it's rare to actually be able to pull that sort of thing off. If you hold views that go against the mainstream, sometimes it's best to just keep them to yourself. That's why I'm rarely seen discussing anything serious. As the old saying goes, sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut and have everyone think you're a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. This is doubly true in chat rooms where nobody knows you. In these types of places, you have to earn your bullshit. You have to put time in before you can get away with disagreeing publicly with the majority. Especially when a good portion of that majority has the power to remove you from the discussion.

And now.. here's the actual reason I'm posting again after my long absence. I actually wrote this entire entry out of order, ending with the bit of advice above. I've done a bit of editing to try to get it into a semilogical order, but eventually I just gave up and threw this out here for all of you to enjoy. Hey, I'm lazy, and I need to get to bed.

It's hard to threaten someone that has no attachment to life. It's harder when they enjoy pain.

Everyone makes mistakes. I've made my fair share of mine. The largest mistake I've ever made happened in May of 2006. I fucked a prolife hippie without wearing a condom. Sure, I pulled out and busted my wad all over my hand, but I somehow knocked her up anyways.

It's sort of funny, everybody I talk about this to asks me "Why don't you just get an abortion?" Yeah, sure. Wish I'd thought of that. Oh wait, I've been thinking of nothing else for the last month and a half.

She agrees with me. She admits that she's not only been praying for a miscarriage, but that she's been contemplating suicide. Amazing what the wrong belief structure can do to a mind. She knows that bringing this thing into the world is the wrong thing to do, but her belief that abortion is wrong prevents her from taking matters into her own hands.

Beliefs...

I don't believe that she'll attempt suicide, regardless of any outcome. She actually has something worth living for, namely the three kids she already has. I don't see her abandoning them due to emotional turmoil. This is merely a belief of mine, so I could be wrong.

I believe in facts. I believe in logic. Here's the facts as I see them:

She found me on OkCupid in January. She's local. She was looking to date a couple of locals, not committing to any of them. She made sure I was OK with this. I was. She decided a couple of months later that she wanted to be with me, and only me. Unfortunately for her, I decided last year that I wasn't going to commit to anybody until I sorted out the mess in my head. She's still trying to get me to commit to her.

She's also been trying to get me to move in with her. I don't see that happening while all of this shit is going on.

I don't trust her. I've got no reason to, and all of her actions and comments in the past month regarding this issue have been a knife twisting in my spine.

I don't respect her. I was beginning to, I admit that. She believes that no man will ever want her for anything other than her body, so she tries to keep guys (like me) around with sex, as often and deviant as the guy wants. I was becoming attracted to her mind. Hey, it's great when the mind comes with a great body, but it's the mind that does it for me. Then this pregnancy happened, and her misguided beliefs regarding abortion suddenly became not only relevant, but the major reason why I can never commit to her.

I got a decent job, yet I'm barely able to take care of myself. All of my money goes to past bills, food, rent, and cab fare.

She's already got three kids she depends on the government and her husband to support. She's losing the government support because her disability is running out. Her husband (they're separated, I'll get to that later) currently pays her $25 a month. For three kids. My unemployed roommate pays twice that for one. Her husband must have had an amazing lawyer.

She's got a pair of nervous system illnesses, lyme disease and babeosis. I may not have spelled those right. Every couple of months she's rendered completely immobile by intense pain. There's a chance, admittedly small, that they could be passed on to our child.

Her husband, whom she's been separated from for at least three years and whom has moved on to live with a new girlfriend, wants primary custody of their three kids. I find this odd, because when she had custody he was constantly skipping out on his visitation time, apparently to screw her out of any chance she might have to enjoy some free time. This is according to her, so I'm not sure how true all of this is. At any rate, the last time he was supposed to have visitation and he tried to skip out on it, she dropped the kids off at his place anyways. He's now claiming that she abandoned the children, and is using this as an additional argument in his custody battle. He's also not returned the kids to her. This incident happened at the end of May. She managed to retrieve the oldest by going to the kid's school and pulling her out in the middle of the day, but the other two remain with the father and his girlfriend currently.

She's got a major obsession with pregnancy and childbirth. I think it's a pretty unhealthy obsession, but it was a pretty irrelevant train of thought that would have never mattered to our relationship had I not knocked her up. This obsession is probably related to her belief that abortion is wrong... because hey, she has to miss out on all the fun of pregnancy, childbirth, and babies!

I don't want kids yet. I've got some major mental issues to work out before I'm ready to be one of the major influencers of a child's mind. I don't want to be tied down to anyone, including a new kid and its mother.

Adoption. Yeah, I consider it a viable option. She doesn't. She believes the emotional distress of giving up a child would drive her to suicide.

I don't want kids with her. At least, not yet. There's a significant chance that she's got more mental issues than I do. She's been to Jones Hill several times, the local equivalent of a mental ward. She's been contemplating suicide lately, although not very seriously, I suspect.
That brings me to my point. I have a plan.

Step 1... Continue to try to talk her into having the abortion. Hey, it really is the best solution.
Step 2... Paternity test. Like I said, I don't trust her.
Step 3... Suicide. I haven't been attached to life for years, but I haven't really had a good reason to bother with killing myself. Now, I've been given one. I refuse to live in the same world as my spawn. I refuse to be a source of income for someone else when I can barely even take care of myself. I refuse to be linked to anyone against my will, even if it is merely financially. She claims she won't come to me for child support, but she's also attempting to increase the amount of child support her husband pays, so I'm not sure how much I trust that. But then, not providing for my spawn turns me into a deadbeat dad, one of the lowest forms of scum on this planet. I'd rather die than turn into that, and dying's a hell of a lot easier.

The last letter I got from Social Security mentioned that if I die, my spouse and/or offspring get quite a bit of money each month for a while. But if the movies haven't lied to me, this doesn't apply if I commit suicide. So, even in death, no links.

Hey, this is probably the most controversial post I've submitted yet. Let's see some comments in the forums, eh?

-p4 (hey, remember me?)

Other thoughts...

There's another reason I don't respect her. I tried introducing her to what passes for my friends these days. The online ones, of course, because there's fewer lasting repercussions if things don't go well.

Well, in the first place I took her, they didn't. It was a chat room full of randoms, and the first thing she does is link them to the private video of my naked ass. Way to go. Eventually, her deviant views regarding medical care cause pretty much the entire chat room to gang up on her, and they kick her out.

So I took her to another chatroom full of introverted geeks that are pretty intelligent. They ran her out of there because she constantly spoke of nothing but sex and childbirth, and those topics made them so uncomfortable that they'd clam right up. Then she'd bitch because nobody but her was talking. Nice downward spiral there.

I didn't give up there. I started my own channel, inviting one or two random friends from every chat room I hung out in on that network. Things went well at first.. then I invited her. Pretty much everybody in the room, with the exception of me and one other girl in there, ganged up on her. When she was around, they spoke of nothing but how horrible of a thing it was for her to be having this child, and how abortion was the only right choice. Funny, they were voicing my thoughts and I didn't even put them up to it. She took particular offense to a couple of them, asking me to remove them from my channel, but how could I do that when they were saying the things I couldn't bring myself to say? It would have been hypocritical of me.

Anyways, I sent her to a channel full of people that aren't very intellectual, hoping that they'd at least tolerate her. It seems to be working, so far. Only one or two people are giving her any problems. Then again, she's been killing spare time by getting random guys in the channel to show her their genitals... and that's just what I know about. She's pulling the stereotypical attention whore shit that I used to see back in the teen chat rooms ten years ago. I didn't respect it then, and I don't respect it now.

Heh... then again, this is not another reason. She'd have never been run out of my channel if not for the first reason I don't respect her, which I mentioned in the main post above. She can earn my respect by changing her mind, but I don't see that happening.

§ ¶I thought you thought we should break up.

Girls suck when they think that you're breaking up with them without you ever saying anything along those lines.

Sometimes it just makes you go "Jigga wha!?"

p3

§ ¶It's so hard to act with her

Falling in love with her is like falling in love with a brick wall.

-p5

§ ¶I will right myself like a soldier

I corrected that mistake yesterday.  I called her in the early afternoon, and she didn't answer; but she did call me back at seven, asking if I wanted to go see a movie on campus for free.  I agreed, but once I got down there she called and said it was cancelled, and felt bad for asking me to drive all the way down.  I told her I didn't mind, and not to feel bad.  We chatted a while and walked, just idle chatter.  Then she said how impressed she was with my sonnet, and urged me this way and that to submit it to something or other.

She also said that she wasn't interested in a relationship right now (she's been out of a two-year relationship something like or under two months) in the least, which I said I understood, and pointed out the fact that it's summer.  Who wants to be barred down during summer?  To which she agreed, and pointed out that I'll only be a sophomore (she'll be a junior, a whole year older than I; that won't change no matter how old we get), and it's college.  That's... less promising.

But, coming out of tonight, I feel pretty good about the situation.  I think she asked me to hang out with her again on Facebook (please say I'm not the only one young enough to be using that on this site), but it was in garbled girl-language, so I can't be sure.  In any case, I'm glad I gave her the sonnet.  I wanted to, if for no other reason than because I had written it for her, so why not, and apparently she enjoyed it very much.  Enough to take me seriously.

Now, it should be very interesting to play opposite her again, and see how our chemistry has changed, if at all.  I guess we'll see.
-p5

§ ¶A bigger mistake than the Aztec

I just made the biggest mistake I've made in a very long time.

Here's the story: there's this girl (what a surprise) that I've liked for between four and five years now.  I'm doing a play with her, playing opposite her half the time (it's doublecast).  Now, pretty early on, I wrote a sonnet for her.  Last night, I have it to her, during a performance.  She called me later, but my phone didn't ring, so I got a voicemail this afternoon saying that she was really impressed.  Then I get to call, and I expect her to try to say something.  All I needed to say was, "Hey, I'm sorry I didn't pick up my phone, it didn't ring; thanks for the message."  We could have gone on from there to who knows what.  But, no.  I didn't say anything.  What an idiot!  And we don't have a rehearsal until Wednesday.

That said, I have been told that she, perhaps, actually loved the sonnet, and that, when told that she should give me a chance, she agreed.  Damn fool I am.

-p5

§ ¶Quite an upshot it is

A few months ago, my car's fuel line rusted out, and, since it's a 1989 Honda Civic Si and the repairs would have cost two grand, my parents sold it to a Honda mechanic who could fix it for the price of parts.  Now that I'm back, it's pretty frustrating not having a car, not being able to go where I want when I want and work around my parents' schedules for when they need cars, etc., especially after having been at college a year.  I mean, it's not a big deal, but it is inconvenient for all of us.

The upshot?  I've been able to drive my dad's BMW Z3 a lot more.  Oh, man is that fun to drive.

-p5

§ ¶The Game

I just finished reading a book about a guy who got into the Pickup-Artist world. For those of you who might not know what it is, it's basically a bunch of guys who normally couldn't get into any kind of relationship and found a way through some interesting methods are able to sleep with almost any girl they meet.

Now I've no fucking clue if the stuff actually works, because I haven't done it. But it was funny to read about all these guys who suddenly go from nobodies to getting all sorts of beautiful women to come home with them. Of course the downside to this is that even after they've had the sex they have nothing else. Sure blowing your load is ok, but that's not all their is to life. Something some of the people involved in the story realized eventually, some did not however. Mostly I think because a lot of them failed to realize a lot of the reason why girls didn't want to be with them is because they have so many issues of their own that to really be with someone they need to get that sorted out first. But of course being a person in today's society we've come to think "Fuck waiting, I want it now!" And off they go into finding out about speed seducing and how to sarge a bunch of women into finding that one hot one to take home and fuck.

But flipping through it made me realize I'm glad I've had those times where I haven't been able to be in any sort of relationship. I haven't been able to get laid for months and months at a time, and had to keep myself entertained, because in the end waiting for that person who actually makes things good is a helluva lot better than a bunch of meaningless fluff.

So guys out there, next time you start getting really desperate as to why girls don't like you, don't go scouring the web for these guides, don't pay the $1500 for some bootcamp in order to learn some tricks to play on these women. Stay home, figure out what's going on with you and work on yourself. No one will want to be with you until you want to be with yourself.

p3.

§ ¶Stacked like a Euchre deck

I just met one of my friend's girlfriends; they've been dating for some time, but I've only just met her tonight.  They met in class, and hit it off, and a relationship came out of it.  That placed my situation in sharp contrast: I very well might have been screwed this semester, as far as a relationship goes, right from the get-go.  There are a total of around 30 kids in all of my classes combined... and none of them clicked with me.  I mean, I have friends in those classes, but most of them are guys or taken, and the others I just don't jive with.  Plus, what with the heaviness of my course load, partying and meeting girls in social situations was not much of an option, and when I did go out and meet people with friends, my friends' friends would bring an occasional girlfriend... but beyond that pretty much nothing.  So, I guess the odds were pretty much stacked against me this semester.  Oh, well.  It's spring, finally: I can train outside.  That's more than enough for now, I'm really happy about that.  Soon I'll be out of school, and then all my buddies will be out of school, and that'll be good.  I don't really mind that I was fairly screwed from the beginning.  I mean, whatever - especially now, when there's so little time left.  But, I do hope the same thing won't happen next semester....

-p5

§ ¶Keepin' the dream alive

I went for a passing hi-five and got a hand-squeeze.  I'd say that's good.  And she's staying in town this summer, as I am, and she said that she'd cook me something some time (she's a fantastic cook).  So, that's good.  And here, I thought that was toast.  Well, it's pretty much win-win, 'cause she's a pretty awesome person, and I've enjoyed being her friend over this past year.

Regardless, it looks like there is much fun to be had this summer.

-p5, waiting for the end of school, which is too soon, yet much too far away

§ ¶It tastes like young, fresh love

Vanilla-Mint ChapStick; that was my flavor, when I was with her.  She said she'd always associate it with me.  I just used some, because yesterday I ran out of Burt's Bees and I don't have time to go to the store before class.  When I applied it, the flavor brought back all these familiar feelings.  It tasted good.  It still tastes good.  I wonder if she'll kiss someone who just put some on in twenty years and think of me?

-p5

§ ¶She Lied

She told me she was a masochist.

Later, after she regained consciousness, she asked me to be more gentle. :/

-p4

§ ¶It's been a slow year

Highlight of this year so far: today they started selling my favorite Sobe beverage in the vending machines in my dorm again.  Glee!

-p5

§ ¶Blue Funk

So, having been in college now for six and a half months, I still find myself being drawn to a couple girls I know from high school; and by that, I mean are still in high school.  Which is not to say I'm not doing things with people here: I have a date this weekend, and will probably have another one with another girl before too long (we've been missing each other a lot; she'd forget to call, and then I'd forget to call, etc; it should have happened a long time ago).  And, don't get me wrong, I very much look forward to them.  Both of them actually graduated from my highschool, too, but one's a year older than I am, and we all go to the same college, so it's as muich simply catching up as it is anything else.  I'm excited about it.  In fact, one of them just asked me to work sound for a show she's in, which I'm thinking seriously about taking up: it's been far too long since I've sat behind a sound board, and it'd be fun to do a lo-fi production, grabbing sound effects and transitional music from the library like old times, before we started making our own.

But, even so, I'm still drawn to these two girls who're still back in highschool.  It's a little weird.  I guess I shouldn't really worry about it; I mean, I'm not in a very good position to start a relationship with them, or anyone else, at the moment.  I'm taking a full load of classes this semester, and have very little time for anything else.  And, if anything is going to happen, it would probably happen in the summer anyway.  I don't know, maybe it's slightly related to this funk I've been in of late.  Just sort of a low point, not having to do with much of anything, I think.  In fact, I've finally caught up in the classes I was behind in, and I'm really, really enjoying all of my classes.  I'm having a wonderful time in class.  But, when I leave the classroom, I come home to feeling punk.  Maybe it's because my social life isn't what I'd like it to be (see: full load of classes); but I think it's more that I'm simply in a low spot, for no reason.  Call it hormones.  In any case, I'm looking forward to the summer, when I'll get to do the things that I'd really like to do, and whip myself into the best shape I've been in my life.  This semester has not been kind to my body.  I simply don't have time to give my body the attention it deserves.  Oh, well.  Not too long, now.

-p5

§ ¶Cra-azy

I've said it before, but the key to finding any woman and keeping them is to look for the one that's the least craziest to you. All women are crazy, hell everyone is crazy. But what's important is to find the one that is crazy in the same ways you are. If they can't do that, then they have to at least understand the things you're crazy about, and vice versa.

p3

§ ¶Supposedly, 1 in 25...

She called me up Friday, wanted to take me to a party.

I figured, "Why the hell not? I'm in the mood for some pussy."

Yeah well, so was she...

-p4

§ ¶Extraordinary Girl

Hey, remember when I went over to your house... I don't even remember the circumstances.  I think it was during the late summer, and you... you might have been cooking me dinner, actually!  Yeah, I think that was it.  I think that you were cooking spaghetti with a veal and tomato sauce.  Anyway, listening to this song, I remembered that I had just bought the new Green Day album, American Idiot, which had just come out, and sitting in your family room in that ever-darkening evening was the first time I listened to it.  I don't think you cared for it too much; you said it wasn't quite your type of music.  But, it was good; that is, you said it was high-quality.  That memory just popped into my head, it surprised me.

I wonder if you remember that?  Probably not.  I really don't even know why I'm addressing you.  I know you don't read this, and you don't even know this is me.  We passed out of each other's lives some time before this.  Sure, we went to the same high school, but lord knows we avoided each other if at all possible.

Just so you know, you were a real bitch to me.

Shut up, I hate that she hurt me so badly, that it cut so deeply into me.  Believe me, I hate it more than anyone else.  So I'm allowed to bitch, every once in a while.

Ow....

-p5

§ ¶High School Shit

I left out the fact that she and her man have been on the outs for the last three weeks.

I thought we had something going, I really did. Between crashing at my house, me crashing at hers, the cleaning of my place, and the rides she gave me back and forth to work.. as well as everything I mentioned in the last post... I thought we were about to hook up.

Last night she pulled some serious high school shit on me.

We were over at a friend's house, and she goes into the bathroom with the friend, then the friend comes out looking all guilty.

"Hey hey hey... you look GUILTY."
"Hey, she wants to know if you're interested in her."
"Eh, haven't really thought about it." Nice neutral answer, right?
"Oh, good, she was worried that she may have been leading you on."

Damn right. When she said "If I wasn't dating bf's name I'd be dating you." Sunday night, I must admit, it kind of led me to believe she was interested.

But seriously... we're not teenagers anymore. Who the hell sends out a female friend to do their dirty work and ask a simple question like that?

Anyhoo, I thought I had a chance with her. It would have been cool to hook up, but I think I'll go back to working my other prospects. At least I'm pretty sure THEY won't pull that high school shit on me.

-p4

§ ¶Amazing

I met the most amazing girl two weeks ago on my bar night.

She apparently recognize me from one of my online alter egos, and we chatted for a bit. I didn't think much of it at the time.

Ran into again the following week at the same bar, chatted her up some more, we noticed he had similar taste in drinks and music. (Yeah, I drink chick drinks. Fuck off.) Ended up going to the afterparty at her place. Fun times.

Stayed home and relaxed on Thursday, then ran security for a local show at a bar on Friday. Ended up running into her at an afterparty. Partied until 7am, then went home and passed out.

Woke up around 4 on Saturday, she called at 4:15, picked me up, and we went on an adventure, then ended up partying all night until around 7, again. Slept for a couple of hours on her couch, woke up at noon, we hit up a couple local stores, then she dropped me off at my place and I passed out.

Woke up at 7pm Sunday, she called 15 minutes later, picked me up, we hit up a couple of bars, then another afterparty. Got home around 5am and passed out.

Monday night, had dinner with some friends, they went to sleep around midnight. She'd called me around 6 to see if I wanted to get dinner with her, but I'd just finished eating, etc. Well, since I was only a couple of blocks from her place, I decided to walk down and visit. When I got there she was watching some lesbian porn, invited me to lay on the bed and watch it with her. Dunno what would have happened, as her flatmate and a buddy of his showed up about 5 minutes later. I passed out around 8am.

Tuesday night, she picked me up and we went to another bar, then back to my place where we watched cartoons until 5am. When I woke up to get ready for work, she'd cleaned up my kitchen.

Wednesday night's my normal bar night, I don't drink as much as this entry would make you think, but I was out of it from having been plastered most of previous week. So I had one beer, waited until about midnight, then headed home to fall asleep.

Well, my roommate showed up at the bar after I left, as did the girl. He ended up getting a ride with her back to our place, where she woke me up and we spent the entire night cuddling.

Woke up this morning and she fucked the hell out of me. It was amazing.

Then I took a shower, when I got out, she'd done the dishes.

So yeah, we got the same taste in music and alcohol, she cleans all the time, she's a demon in the sack, she's intelligent, cute, and fun to be around. She seems like a real keeper.

Her boyfriend sure is a lucky man.

-p4

§ ¶Die Unterbewusst

I've had a couple dreams about my ex recently.  And, generally, when I refer to my ex, I mean the one I was most serious with, that lasted my junior year in high school.  So, I can't say I'm thrilled that she's still lurking a little closer to the top of my subconcious than I'd like.  I figured that she'd simply pass out of my existence once I got to college, but I'm finding that that's not the case, and I'm not exactly sure why.  Maybe it's that she was so much a part of me when we were together, and now that void is unfilled.  After all, I haven't really had a real relationship since her.  Sure, there've been a couple people here and there for some amount of time or other, but no one has been steady, really.  Which is not to say I want that: I'm pretty contented being alone right now.  After all, it's freshman year: I want to go out and have fun and meet new people and not worry about having that connection.

Still, I have been feeling that void only a relationship can feel recently.  It's strange, I'm conflicted: on the one hand, I would like to have that stability that a relationship brings; on the other, I don't want it at all: I like being free, being able to do what I want, when I want, and not worrying about a girlfriend's feelings.

Meh.  Soon enough it'll be summer, and I can simply enjoy those friends whose companionship I have found myself lacking these past few months.

-p5

§ ¶Years of abuse, the downs and highs

Relationship drama distracts us from the important things in life. There's no need for relationships to be so difficult.

If you can't be faithful, say so upfront. You may lose someone, but you won't waste a ton of your time.

If you find out that a partner has been less than honest with you, leave. Stop being a victim because it's enjoyable.

You don't need anyone who doesn't respect you.

There are people out there who are reasonable. Why waste time with the people who aren't?

-p2

§ ¶It's just so tacky

I can't believe I gave her a beanie baby yestereday.  It's just kind of dumb.

I hope she likes it.

-p5

§ ¶Here's Hoping for a Better Tomorrow

When we met, she told me her hope had been taken away from her by a couple of seriously demented ex's.

We met at a house party I threw for my 21st birthday back in 2002. She started coming around the house to visit, and we ended up hanging out quite a bit, starting to date a month or so later.

We both had pretty clear ideas about the relationship. She was supposed to go to college in the Fall, I was hoping to get a better job and relocate, although I didn't really think it would happen. I figured a couple of months of good sex before she moved on to better herself would make for some good times.

Fall came and went, but she didn't.

She told me I gave her hope that she really could be happy with a romantic interest. At the time, she thought I might be it.

I said all the right things and did a lot of the right things, as well. Looking back, I don't know if I was sincere or not. But time passed.

By the following Spring, I'd grown bored with the relationship, and rather than try to fix it, I ended it, the day before my birthday. She flipped out and threatened to kill me, to have her friends kill me, etc.

We got back together later in the week.

Rather than try to fix the relationship, I made myself into as much of as asshole as I could nonobviously be. It was childish, true, but I figured I could make her not want me anymore, so she could leave me of her own free will, and I'd be in the clear.

Winter rolled around, and we started to talk things out. When we hooked up, she thought I was this really together guy who had a future ahead of him. I had a house, and a fulltime job that paid very well for the area. After my hours were cut and we moved from the house to an apartment, she stayed with me because she thought I was still a great guy. I guess.

That conversation changed something inside of me. I decided to stop the attempts to get rid of her, and do everything I could to make her happy and have a great life with her. Too little. Too late.

Of course, by that point, she'd found someone else. She wasn't cheating on me (to my knowledge), but she was making plans to finally call off the relationship.

She finally let me know and broke things off with me the Tuesday before Valentine's Day, 2004. I was taking a nap on the couch, she came in, woke me up, and said "I think we should stop seeing each other." I said "OK" and went back to sleep.

I gave her hope that there was someone out there for her. By the time I realized it could have been me, I'd already missed my chance.

I take comfort in the occasional bit of news I hear about her. She's apparently quite happy with her man, and they're still together two years later.

-p4
Why try when you might fail? 'tis better to have confidence in knowing that having not tried, you can not possibly be rejected.

§ ¶When Making Love to a Woman

When making love to a woman, you have to start at the bottom and work your way up.

Warning, disturbing content after the break. (read on)

§ ¶Just think of the opposite of not disturbing

Of course, while I'm making out with this girl, all I can think of is my ex of over a year ago now.  And believe me, it's weird, and I don't like it.  I may have to end it just for that, it really creeps me out.  I don't know whether it'll be like this with the next one, too, or just her.  Because it's been a good while since I've made out with anyone like this (read: gone this far with anyone) and so maybe it's that connection, but maybe it's something else.  I really just don't know.  My ex never came into my mind, at least not this vividly, when I made out with other girls, but I didn't go as far with them.  Also, and I hate to say this, but I had more of an emotional attachment to them.  At least, in the romantic sense.  Maybe, since I don't, I'm subconciously wishing it were my ex?  But, I really don't like her.  She's not the nicest of people.  And, yes, she is physically attractive (like whoa, somehow I snagged a gorgeous girl with her), but not at all attractive in any other way.  But, then, this is also mainly physical, so maybe the same emotions are presiding, and hence the connection.  In any case, I really don't enjoy it, and if it happens again, I'm going to seriously reconsider what's going on.  Because I'm really not sure I like it.

-p5

§ ¶High & Dry

As usual of late, I have a problem.  I like this girl, and I would very much like to walk up to her, gently lift her head so our eyes meet, and kiss her.  But, I don't want a relationship; she would.  It's not that I don't like her, it's just that... well, there are very few girls (people, really) who are actually worth a relationship.  (Don't give me that look, you take a minute to think about it and you'll agree with me.)  I'm not sure she is - in fact, I think she's probably not.  Which is not to say that I don't like her, she's just not quiiite my type... although the last girl I dated who was not my type I fell completely in love with and we had a wonderful relationship until it went horribly, horribly awry, as it was destined to do.  So, I really don't know what to do.  I suppose I could just start something casual, but I'm not sure I even want that.  There are... something like six girls who are interested in me, in varying degrees, and I'd like to continue playing the field a little bit, see what happens where.  But, I like this girl.

Which is not to say I haven't been making out with another girl.  Because I have been.  But, it's nothing serious.  And if it threatens to be, I'm going to end it, not because I'm a prick, but because it's not something I want, and if it did get serious, it would only hurt the girl.  But, she's told me she doesn't want anything serious, so I think I'll be okay.  And of course I'd end it if I got into a relationship.  Of all the things in the world, a cheater I am not.  I'm simply in a conundrum.

Two jumps in a week; I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you, boy?

-p5

§ ¶To the rescue!

Girls suck when they ruin your attempt at suprising them with a fresh cooked meal they say they've never had [which they have], and a movie by locking themselves out of their car. Making you stop the cooking and go bail them out with AAA.

Sometimes you just want to make them feel all nice and loved, and then they gotta go make you spill the beans in order to not leave them stranded!

Grrr.

p3

§ ¶Some distant, distant universe

In some alternate universe, I made all the right decisions today.

-p5

§ ¶Offsides

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

Congratulations - You have just learned the offside rule!

§ ¶Upon Request

Girls suck!

-p5

§ ¶I'm All at Sea

Sometimes, you simply don't want a relationship.  Of any kind, really.  You're comfortable being single, and you're enjoying it.  Dating and fooling around is fun, and it's enough; you don't want commitment, you don't want attachment - at least, not in that way.  And then three girls come along, none of which are exactly available to you, for various reasons.  You contemplate it, and decide, yeah, it might be nice.  But they're all just out of reach.  Say hello to your friend Tantalus.  Luckily, you decide that you are having a lot of fun being single, so you don't have to worry about it.  But there's still the matter of the girls who are after you.

Maybe we can just be friends?  For now, anyway?

I kinda suck.  I think.

I mean, I've been flirting, too, to some extent, with all three of them.  Am I leading them on?  I don't know.  Because I didn't know.  And I'm pretty certain now, but it would be nice go to out with them and have fun and flirt.  I'm not quite sure what to do.  But, I suppose I'll figure it out.  I hope I make right decisions, so I don't end up hurting anyone.

Here's to hoping!

-p5